Examine Her
by ametomoe
Summary: Spike's thoughts as he compares the two most important women in his life.


Spike Spiegel had been examining the features of his partner in crime and love for close to an hour now, but many of the questions written in his brain had not been answered. As his head started to throb he furrowed his brow even more in concentration, though that did nothing but increase the pain. A sigh rumbled form the lanky man's chest and he finally gave in to his frustration, closing his eyes and turning his face to press into the navy pillow cover he lay on.

Faye Valentine chuckled at her crew mate and ran her fingers through his green tufts of hair once more. He moaned low in irritation, even though he loved it when she did that, and lifted the pillow to press on top of his head, trapping her hand in place. Faye too became frustrated, since she had been dealing with his whiny attitude all morning, and so sat up and began to vent.

"Hey, Spike! What is your problem?! You've been acting like an ass all morning! What the hell are you thinking about anyway? If you…"

Spike's sex buddy's voice leaked out of his head like water through cupped hands. He turned his neck slightly and peered through the space between his pillow and his mattress to look at Faye, but all he could see from that angle was her shoulder. His inquisitions began to circle once more.

Faye's shoulders were muscled and sharp, but the skin covering them was impossibly smooth. Julia's shoulders sloped gently down; he remembered this because she'd always complained that she couldn't wear shirts with thin straps because of them. The bounty hunter wondered which he preferred – both had their pros and cons. In fact, pros and cons were all he had been measuring in the past hour, as he had been silently comparing Julia and Faye.

It was had been three days since Julia's 2 year's death anniversary, and Spike still couldn't help but fall into a relapse for his old blond friend who'd been the first person, other than Vicious, to make him feel at home and relaxed. Tilting the edge of the pillow facing Faye's chest upwards he pictured her small oval shaped face overlapping Julia's heart shaped one. He imagined them standing side by side, their heads tilted in toward each other, blond hair mingling with dark plum locks.

For the first time since Julia's demise, Spike was surprised to find that he no longer loved her. He missed her and felt regret for not saving her in time, but he no longer ached for her with every fiber of his being, his heart didn't contract at an abnormal rate when he experienced flashbacks of their relationship, and his stomach didn't knot when he though of her and Vicious' betrayal of his friendship. Spike was with Faye Valentine now, a girl with wide, round eyes instead of narrow ones, someone who craved dominance rather than acceptance. And though Spike assumed he wasn't in love with Faye, he could respect her and appreciate the affections she showed him. Lately he had been especially enthusiastic in returning them, and he didn't think it was just her skills in sex that drove him to.

Did he love Faye?

He shook his head in response to his own thoughts, but apparently giving the wrong answer to Faye's screaming questions that were muted in his mind. He couldn't love Faye – neither of them were the type of people meant for loving another. They were too unstable, too sure of themselves and all too ready to prove it. They weren't going to fall head over heels in love. Although, Spike reminded himself, he had managed to fall for Julia.

Spike sighed and halted his train of thoughts as his girlfriend's accusations got louder.

"Hey! Spike! God, What the hell is your problem?!?" She yelled.

And when he looked at her face, taking in her small but plump lips, her inquisitive eyes, her petite nose and the smooth stretch of white forehead above it all, he couldn't even imagine her being with Julia. They were two opposites, possessing strengths where the other one failed, and putting them in the same room was like trying to force parallel magnets to coincide. Faye's voice abruptly halted when Spike reached a large hand up to cup her smooth cheek.

Her thoughts stopped as she looked into his eyes. They held more emotion than she had ever seen in them and the intensity of is all scared her. Chill bumps ran down her arms and neck as she stared a moment longer before tearing away from his touch and running out of his room door.

Spike couldn't say he was surprised by her actions, but he was sad to see her go all the same. His finger pads tingled at the points where they had contacted her milky skin, and he clenched his fists to stop the sensation. His eyes slammed shut once more before he eased himself up into a sitting position, the mattress beneath him squeaking in loud protest. He had to find and explain this to Faye, he was sure of that. And some part of him jumped in mixed joy and anxiety when he though of seeing her face once again. He hoped this wasn't love; from his prior experiences he'd concluded that love ends in pain.

He shook his head to clear his fuzzy eyes when his feet hit the tile floor. It was time to fetch Faye, not a dead woman who he'd once respected – not Julia. And whether liked love or not, he thought as he marched down the halls of the Bebop, he needed it.


End file.
